Olaf Bip

As his appearance would suggest, Olaf is technically a war criminal though he only got into it after a series of unfortunate and confusing events.

As a boy back in Kosovo, for as long as he could remember all he had wanted was an aerial photo of his house.  One day when he was thirteen, he was brushing his auntie's favorite jackboot on the street,  a man passed by selling just that, an aerial photo of his entire village!  Olaf couldn't believe it.  He worked for 3 whole Sundays at his uncle Prott's holiday camp to earn the money and finally he achieved his dream.

42 years later with the flaky, folded photo clenched in his fist, taking his first steps from the jailhouse as a free man he decided once again to go for his dreams.

Today he is one of Europe's most respected trance DJs with with residencies at 'massive' club nights such as Bass Rape, Tribal Dementia and Rim the Bongo.

For legal reasons I cannot tell you his DJ Pseudonym ;-)

Buster Fleckswan

 

This quiet unassuming chartered accountant and hip hop finance mogul lives with his elderly mother in a quaint bungalow on the outskirts of Rhyl.
His secret passion for ragga, grime and all things bashment lead to his massaging the balance sheets of many an urban artist.  From Chipmunk's capital gains woahs to Cappadonna's gaping deficit... Buster soon made a name for himself.

In recent times his services have been devoted to  Rashtan Skiffeltu, the south African chappadance supremo whose seminal no.1 hit, 'Baphand Swishy' started a worldwide craze.  Buster famously helped the star save several million Rand by setting up and diverting royalties to a loss-making mobile childrens' zoo.

An unlikely romance blossomed and the pair are now in a beautifully loving, albeit discreet, long distance relationship.

Together they have a pet panther named Barbara.

Ian Hopewell (known as Rasmus)

Very little is known about this homeless stench-ridden beast.
Mothers point him out to their unruly snot-faced boys saying that the man didn't sit still in church - so Jesus took away his mind and now he lives in a cave.
In actual fact, Hopewell was a teenage Spillikins star (pick-up sticks) winning the Northern Conference in 1976, and reached the European Finals twice, only to be outclassed by Kopu Wagner, a Yugoslavian goat herder on both occasions. One night, returning from a particularly bad meeting in Newport Pagnall, Ian had a shouty row with his father who acted as both his Tour Manager and Trainer.

... On arriving home he hollowed out a small cranny in the scrub bush in the family front garden and has lived there ever since.

He survives on cheese stolen from supermarkets and though he spends much of his time shouting, he has not said a decipherable word in over 20 years.

Sally Wishbeam

Sally is a deeply sexual being.
Actually no, this is an entirely projected front intended to mask the many compulsions and fears that dictate her life. For instance, due to her intense phobia of small pebbles, she signed up to model erotic cooking outfits in a shopping centre in Warrington because it clashed with a much feared holiday in Zante with her college friends.

Her childhood sweetheart is Johnny Poon, the man who famously placed sanitary towels in the bottom of his shoes to ease his awkward limp. The couple went on to adapt this concept and develop the ultra absorbent padded foam comfort insole (patent pending).

Bob Tunnelbee

 

Bob Tunnelbee ran a small chain of childrens play barns in Blyth. Polly's Chuckleshack, Glen's Party Palace and The Chaos Zone were all well attended though safety standards were a little on the sadistic side. Notably, Polly was a kind of squashed pink fish with a skewed grin owing to badly formatted clip art.

One night, after being kicked in the shin by a girl named Joan, Bob, in a blind rage shut down his entire operation for good.

Bob lives with his wife Pat and their three adult children. There is in fact a fourth adult child who is seldom mentioned as he is on remand in an open prison for continually shoplifting from Woolworths.