Mothers point him out to their unruly snot-faced boys saying that the man didn't sit still in church - so Jesus took away his mind and now he lives in a cave.
In actual fact, Hopewell was a teenage Spillikins star (pick-up sticks) winning the Northern Conference in 1976, and reached the European Finals twice, only to be outclassed by Kopu Wagner, a Yugoslavian goat herder on both occasions. One night, returning from a particularly bad meeting in Newport Pagnall, Ian had a shouty row with his father who acted as both his Tour Manager and Trainer.
... On arriving home he hollowed out a small cranny in the scrub bush in the family front garden and has lived there ever since.
He survives on cheese stolen from supermarkets and though he spends much of his time shouting, he has not said a decipherable word in over 20 years.
